"Feminine or Annoying??": A Response

The following is a response to a Craigslist posting written by a female friend of mine, who shall remain nameless. Each of the quoted portions could safely start with "I hate girls who..." Here are my responses:

1. Eat like birds. "I'll just have a side salad." Dude, we're in the best French restaurant in the city & you're not even going to try the food? You can have a salad for lunch tomorrow @ work!

Yeah. Dude! (Anytime I hear rants that begin or end with "Dude", I think of the following gag on The Simpsons: Homer is driving Snake's car, and after Homer passes Snake, Snake sniffs and smells the exhaust smelling what type of gas was in it. He yells at the car, already long gone: "Hey, That smells like regular. She needs premium dude. Premium! DUDE!"

2. Order food/drinks that they know they are not going to eat/drink. "I'm going to order the most expensive thing on the menu to show him I'm worth it. (Even if I much rather have the lasagne than the lobster.)"

Never happens to me, so I can't comment. I've paid for a few girls' dinners, and they usually pick stuff that's about as expensive as what I'm eating.

Dumb themselves down because they're dating men who would be intimidated by a smart girl. I've been in long discussions about degrees & dating. What happens when the girl is Ivy educated & the guy went to the local community college? The girl has no problem dating/marrying the guy, but the guy has issues. He feels less manly.

It's not intimidating that the girl is smarter than him, but that she's in a better college than him. Her being in a better college than him implies a few things, such as the upringing of the woman (higher social or class level) and the belief that if she got into an Ivy League school, either she or her parents are wealthier than the man. Status matters when it comes to men. I'm not saying t's right (or, for that matter, wrong), but that it matters.

4. Speak with fake little girl voices.

Being real is sexy. Being feminine and real is the upmost of sexiness. Real little girl voices aren't very sexy either.

5. Laugh @ EVERYTHING the guy has to say. Show a little intelligence, please -- I'm sure he's not THAT funny. I hate fake laughter. Or fake anything for that matter.

Yeah? Try being hilarious (like myself) and getting pity laughs. It's one of my pet peeves (yes, I have pet peeves) that adults laugh at stuff they don't find funny. I laugh, and laugh heartily as the case may be, when something is funny. If a person is trying too hard, no laughs for them.

6. Wear heels. All the time. No matter the occasion. We're going to the park, do you really think that's appropriate? Also, most men in Manhattan walk quickly -- Can you keep up in those heels? & don't complain to me at the end of the night about your blisters. The heels look great at Chanterelle, but your bare feet... EWWW.

Yeah, I don't know about you, but if I was a girl, I wouldn't like being told what to wear. Heels are sexy. I forget why, but maybe the arching of the foot reminds of the arching of the back? Anyway, women are under no obligation to wear heels, but if you want to increase the likelihood that we men—some men—want to have sex with you, then heels are a good start.

7. Wear too much makeup. I don't want foundation or eyeshadow on the shoulder of my Brioni shirt or Frette pillowcases. I don't want to taste your Chanel lipgloss in my mouth after I've just had a sip of my Sonoma-Cutrer Russian River Ranches Chardonnay (2001). By the way, I can barely breathe because I'm engulfed in your perfume. The guy across the room can smell your Gucci.

"too much" is always a judgement call, and there's no objective when it comes to that. Makeup is fine: we men like it when you women decorate your faces, highlighting your strengths and masking your weaknesses. If you look great without makeup, then more power to you. You may not want foundation on your pillowcases, but some women evidently take that as a cost of doing business, the business being looking attractive to the opposite sex. As an economics major, you know better than anyone else that with everything there is a cost and reward. Only when the cost outweighs the reward to people stop doing something.

8. Dress slutty. There is a difference between slutty & tastefully risque -- Learn it.

What is that difference? It's a thin line. Take, for example, my first year classes (please, take them!). About half the women there are dressed to impress, which, evidently, means that they show off their bra straps. (Myself, I'm wearing t-shirts and jeans, because I don't give a mad fuck how I look.) As a man, if I see a woman with purple bra straps showing, I think to myself "whoa, look at her bra straps, they're purple!". Some women also show a lot of skin. It's a guaranteed way to get attention. At least mine, whether it's wanted or not. There are limits though. Showing what I can only describe as vagina lines (you've no doubt seen the low rider pants/shorts/whathaveyou). Yeah, that crosses the line. A little mystery please. Mystery can be sexy.

Update: makeoutcity may have the impression that I'm referring to camel toe. This is a mistaken impression. By "vagina lines", I'm referring to the top part of the V which is visible near the waistline—in other words, the waist band of pants or skirts are too low—and not the bottom part. Obviously "vagina lines" is a bad term for it, but all they do is draw attention to it, so...

Another update: this and this are what I'm talking about. Just so there's no confusion, guys are guilty of this too. I thank my anonymous source for the photos.

A further update: makeoutcity quotes a hot girl saying that these are the "gyrate muscles" or "gyrates". That's suits me just fine, since it saves me from having to use the word "vagina" in a sentence when describing them (and also since, as pointed out in the update above, guys have 'em too).

9. Dig for gold -- You make the rest of us look bad. Stop it.

They make the rest of you golddiggers look bad? Is that what you're saying? But seriously, telling them to stop because it makes you look bad won't actually succeed in making them stop. They'll only stop when it costs them more (in, say, their dignity) than it does in monetary terms to continue. And dignity is rare these days. (Actual dignity, not the "couldn't get any if he tried" dignity.)

10. Will marry any man willing. Have some standards

Standards schmandards. I've had people tell me that I should give up on standards and get out there and start fucking already. there are women who are desperate to get out of the dating game and settle down with one guy for a change. (No, it's true.) Right about now, I'd kill—kill!—for the opportunity to have a happy marriage with one woman upon whom I can shower gifts, attention, and love. (I do ask myself, though, "With what money?", and come up blank.)

There's a quote in The Bad Book that I think is great. Danielle Crittenden is talking about marriage here: "The negative—that we are no longer able to live entirely for ourselves—is also the positive: We no longer have to live entirely for ourselves!" It's a tautology, but it's nonetheless true: for guys (and girls, if they do exist) like me, we want out of the dating game, because it's too damn competitive. It's hell, seeing all these young, single, horny teenagers in my class who think that they can have sex with whomever they please (and they're largely correct in this viewpoint) but that will come at a cost of an unfulfilled desire to find one person to love, and that will love them. We don't want to worry if that person is going to be there (and theirs) in the morning. We want to live for (and with) someone else. Just one person will do.